Afterdrop

I just can’t stop thinking about the first time entering the water.
On the next day - I am still dreaming about it.

My rotting, decaying,
mortal body
melting-
into the icy furnace.

Destorying,
disrupting,
the most brutal, darkest thoughts sink into the water, diluted, dissolving

and now, we
take our plunge
connected into oneness.

The break when you get in,
water demands so much of our attention,
that trivialities cease to matter
those mundane things that you were worrying about previously
there is no room to think, because it is so freezing cold that you are exposed to this immense sensory landscape
there’s all-colour and nothing at all, I know that I have entering into a trance
when my head is bobbing up and down all I can see is the sun reflecting to my eyes, the ray going through the water, bubbles from my lungs
I can hear my heartbeat, blood bumping, the tingling feeling from head to my fingertips to my little toes

500m
I am already half way towards a lap
how did I managed to swim from the origin to the opposite side of the resevoir
overlooking the silhouette of the castle
the surrounding urban landscape
and the little coots & seagull leisurely swimming, hanging out on the buoys (How did they manage to stay there for so long?)

cold water,
stay solemn when you once in,
a form of baptism, and its lession is to teach one to be slient and be present
in stillness

stop hyperventilating,
embrace a slow, deep breath
surrender to this intense sensation, quit freaking out, quietly adapt it, learn its resilience

When I get out of the water, I often wonder why do I do it.
At that point, my body temperature was still dropping after the swim - they call it ‘Afterdrop’.
Meanwhile, shivering, me, every single molecule was simply remind me that I am alive, and that’s enough.

I don’t think I am physically that fit, if anything, it’s that I am only slightly better at enduring pain than the others. People with history of self-harm found an alternative way transforming their self-sabotage into something positive and resilient. It turns out doing a resilient thing makes you feel more resilient.

And somehow the more you do it, the easier it become. Just knowing you've managed to make yourself go in is enough to keep you doing it. Again and again.